Seriously how do these people do it

Christine Ryder, 53, says she was so depressed, she
asked a friend, Kevin Reeves, 40, whom she had met in a mental
hospital
in Kent, England, to find a hit man to kill her. He offered to do it
himself (he was her friend, after all!) and accepted 20,000 pounds
(US$35,000) for the job. After several arranged dates to kill her
came
and went and she was still alive, a frustrated Ryder filed a criminal
breach of contract complaint, and prosecutors took him to trial. Even
Reeves's own defense attorney admitted the scheme was "mean." Reeves
was sentenced to 15 months in jail and ordered to pay 2,000 pounds in
compensation. (London Times) ...No matter what, a deal's a deal.

Did you just shit yourself? Oh sorry that was me!

Adult Diaper Sales Soar in China
Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Alongside food and fire crackers, Chinese are adding a new item to their lunar New Year shopping: Adult diapers. Sales have soared ahead of the holiday as travelers prepare for long trips home aboard trains so crowded that even the toilets are jammed with people, newspapers said Tuesday.

In Foshan, a southern industrial city with a large migrant population, supermarkets report diaper sales have risen 50 percent since the main travel season began on Jan. 14, the papers said.

The problem arises from the need to sell twice as many tickets as there are train seats to accommodate the crush of travelers. Those without seats must find some place — any place — to put themselves, including in overhead racks, between cars, and in the usually stinking toilets.

Just purchasing a ticket can mean lining up for hours.

Chinese will this year make around 2 billion plane, train, ship and automobile journeys during the 40 days around the holiday, which this year falls on Jan. 29. Trains carry around 4 million people per day over the period.

"The deep seated concept of a reunion with families ... prompts people to repeat the journeys, even though they know clearly how difficult the journeys are," psychologist Pan Hong was quoted as telling China Daily.

I just can't imagine this. I can definately say that having to urinate into a diaper during the holiday vacation would have increased the likeliness of me going absolutely ape shit.

Some professions just don't need business cards

Alleged Crack Dealer Uses Business Cards
Thursday, January 26, 2006

The business cards got a response, but surely not what their owner had in mind when he had them printed up.

They came to the attention of Leavenworth police, who used them to make a drug arrest last week.

Sylvester J. Williams, 21, of Leavenworth, was charged Monday with possessing crack cocaine with the intent to sell it, Maj. Patrick Kitchens of the Leavenworth Police Department said.

Kitchens said Williams remained in custody Wednesday on $75,000 bond.

He said police had heard for some time that Williams had been selling drugs in the area. "Then we heard that he was handing out business cards," the officer said. "In the course of our investigation we were fortunate to come up with one, and we gave him a call."

Kitchens said the business card had an image of what appeared to be an alarm clock being hit by a boxing glove and said: "For a quick hit on time call the boss."

"When he answered, we agreed to buy some crack from him, we went up there, and we arrested him," Kitchens said.

The arrest was made Friday.

"It makes our job considerably easier when they advertise and let us know where to get ahold of them," Kitchens said.

You know I thought about doing this for my prostitution business but then decided I already get too many calls and I need my daily excersise walkiing the street corner.

You couldn't pay me to go back to high school

HAMBURG, Pa. -- A Pennsylvania school board is considering whether to ban people 21 and older from the high school prom.

The Hamburg School Board is expected to vote on the matter next month. Administrators said their primary concern is that guests 21 or older could legally buy alcohol.

Some, like board member Brian Specht, said dances are for students. Specht said it seems to him that "21 years old or older is an adult."

Two high school seniors, Erica Frantz and Jennifer Glass, both 18, had spoken to the board in December about bringing 22-year-old boyfriends to the dance. Frantz said she had been dating her boyfriend since she was a freshman and he was a senior.

Board member John Driscoll said, "I don't know why somebody over 21 would even want to go to a prom."

If you were 21 would you want to go to Prom. I think not. Plus you would be on the schools list for statuetory rape right. Come on people life goes on past high school.

Who would of thought.

This is so very interesting. I know that throughout my sexual experiences guys have said I was different what the hell does that mean anyway. But this is a very facinating article so please enjoy

Is My Vagina the Right Size?

According to a study just out in a British obstetrics journal, “women vary widely in genital dimensions.” In other words, variety is normal.

Vaginas tend to mirror body type. Bigger, taller women tend to have somewhat larger vaginas. Of course, age and child-bearing affect dimensions. The older you get, the more kids you have, the bigger you become. (But remember, Kegel exercises can do a lot to help return vaginal muscles back into pre-kid shape.)

In a 1996 study of 56 women, doctors found the length of the vagina varied between 2.7 inches to 5.8 inches. Width varied from 1.9 inches to 2.5 inches.

How long should I last?
One interesting study showed that men think they ought to last forever, but women are just as happy to have them last just long enough.

Other research suggests the typical “ejaculatory latency” time ranges from over 7 minutes to around 10 minutes.

Just because you have a college degree does't mean you are smart!

Study: College students lack literacy for complex tasks
WASHINGTON (AP) -- More than half of students at four-year colleges -- and at least 75 percent at two-year colleges -- lack the literacy to handle complex, real-life tasks such as understanding credit card offers, a study found.

The literacy study funded by the Pew Charitable Trusts, the first to target the skills of graduating students, finds that students fail to lock in key skills -- no matter their field of study.

The results cut across three types of literacy: analyzing news stories and other prose, understanding documents and having math skills needed for checkbooks or restaurant tips.

Without "proficient" skills, or those needed to perform more complex tasks, students fall behind. They cannot interpret a table about exercise and blood pressure, understand the arguments of newspaper editorials, compare credit card offers with different interest rates and annual fees or summarize results of a survey about parental involvement in school.

"It is kind of disturbing that a lot of folks are graduating with a degree and they're not going to be able to do those things," said Stephane Baldi, the study's director at the American Institutes for Research, a behavioral and social science research organization.

Most students at community colleges and four-year schools showed intermediate skills. That means they can do moderately challenging tasks, such as identifying a location on a map.

There was brighter news.

Overall, the average literacy of college students is significantly higher than that of adults across the nation. Study leaders said that was encouraging but not surprising, given that the spectrum of adults includes those with much less education.

Also, compared with all adults with similar levels of education, college students had superior skills in searching and using information from texts and documents.

"But do they do well enough for a highly educated population? For a knowledge-based economy? The answer is no," said Joni Finney, vice president of the National Center for Public Policy and Higher Education, an independent and nonpartisan group.

"This sends a message that we should be monitoring this as a nation, and we don't do it," Finney said. "States have no idea about the knowledge and skills of their college graduates."

The survey examined college students nearing the end of their degree programs.

The students did the worst on matters involving math, according to the study.

Almost 20 percent of students pursuing four-year degrees had only basic quantitative skills. For example, the students could not estimate if their car had enough gas to get to the service station. About 30 percent of two-year students had only basic math skills.

Baldi and Finney said the survey should be used as a tool. They hope state leaders, educators and university trustees will examine the rigor of courses required of all students.

The college survey used the same test as the National Assessment of Adult Literacy, the government's examination of English literacy among adults. The results of that study were released in December, showing about one in 20 adults is not literate in English.

On campus, the tests were given in 2003 to a representative sample of 1,827 students at public and private schools.

It has a margin of sampling error of plus or minus 3 percentage points.

This is so disturbing to me but it makes sense too. I know alot of very smart people that haven't gone to school but I have met more dumb ass people who lake normal common sense who went to college. You just can't teach commonsense. You also can't teach a spoiled ass kid who doesn't need to know the value of a dollar is. I don't think the colleges are to blame I think it is the school system from the beging. On that note I am going to have to push my car the half a mile home because I only have half a tank of gas.

Maybe this is why Hollywood stays so skinny...to get out of jail free

A prison inmate in Australia lost a dramatic amount of weight, squeezed through a gap in the wall and escaped, a newspaper reported.

Robert Cole, 35, was serving time for sex offenses and armed robbery in a prison hospital in New South Wales state when officials noticed he was missing early Wednesday, The Sydney Morning Herald reported in its online edition.

Cole, who had recently undergone a dramatic weight loss, slipped his 123-pound body through a gap between the bars on a cell window and a brick wall at which he'd been chipping away, the paper quoted an unidentified Corrective Services spokeswoman as saying.

"Because he's lost a lot of weight, he's a very narrow person, so he squeezed his way through the gap in the brick wall," she was quoted as saying.

Cole avoided the motion detectors and video cameras that monitor the prison grounds at night, then climbed a fence and escaped, the newspaper said.

It was not immediately clear how long Cole's sentence was, or how much time he had already served.

Calls to the New South Wales Corrective Services Division seeking confirmation were not immediately returned Wednesday.

Weird Stories of the Year - 2005

These are some of the strange, weird and wacky stories of 2005:

A taxi driver in Dallas, Texas, was prosecuted for sprinkling dried faeces on pastries in a grocery shop. Customers had complained that the fresh-baked items smelled and tasted like manure.

A 29-year-old woman in the UK admitted that she had not washed her hair in 11 years.

A traffic warden slapped a parking ticket on a car which had its dead driver slumped at the wheel outside a shopping mall in Sydney, Australia. The warden failed to notice the man inside and issued the parking fine two days before the body was discovered.

Odd fish with human faces caused a sensation in South Korea. They were actually mutants born of carp and leather carp - but they looked really scary and spooky.

A straying couple in Jordan both started sizzling affairs in cyberspace. But the bad news for both is they found out they were married to each other.

A British bank had to apologise to a customer after they sent him a debit card bearing the name "Mr Dick Head". Very embarrassingly for the card owner, he did not spot the mistake until he tried to buy something at a supermarket.

A parcel that vibrated and made strange noises sparked off a bomb alert in a German post office. Workers contacted the owner, who was forced to explain the contents - they turned out to be an inflatable sex doll.

A cat chewed the toes off the right foot of an elderly woman with senile dementia while she was asleep at a home for the aged in Japan. Workers found the 88-year-old woman bleeding from her feet, with all the toes missing from her right foot. Paw prints of a cat were found on the floor of the room.

A giant 13-foot (3.9m) python exploded after attacking and attempting to eat an alligator. Rangers in the Everglades National Park, Florida, found the snake lying dead with the 6-foot (1.6m) alligator protruding from its middle.

Dog lovers mourned the death of Sam, the world's ugliest dog. Sam became a celebrity after winning an ugly pet contest in the US twice. When Sam died, its owner said: "I don't think there'll ever be another Sam. Some people might think that's a good thing."

A sparrow nearly ruined a world record attempt at dominoes when it flew in through an exhibition centre window and knocked down 23,000 tiles. Organisers shot the little bird, causing an outcry. As a tribute, the bird's body will be displayed in a museum.

A court in Ontario acquitted a man of sexual assault charges because he suffered from "Sexsomnia" and was, as he claimed, asleep at the time of the incident.

College Types

One of the first things you learn once you’ve spent any significant amount of time around a college campus is, while the cliques of high school aren’t around anymore, there are certain types of people that you encounter on a day to day basis, most of which are a notch above Here is a list I have found that is absolutely great from www.zipperfish.com I hope you enjoy this because I sure as hell did.

The Dorm Whore
Commonly Heard Quote: “Like, there are so many cute guys on my floor, tee hee!”
Characteristics: If you’ve ever lived in a dormitory, you know damn good and well every floor of the building has at least one of these girls. Basically, her close proximity to so many guys is excuse enough to f**k anything with testicles. And you know what? God Bless her for it.

King of the Dorm
Commonly Heard Quote: “Dude, I got so drunk that I puked all over my roommate’s bed.”
Characteristics: Just like The Dorm Whore, there is at least one of these per floor. This is the guy that is just totally enamored with the idea that FEMALES actually LIVE NEAR HIM and... wait for it... SLEEP NEAR HIM. Naturally, this loser (who couldn’t get pussy if he worked in a pet store) is totally in love with his dormitory, and is the kind of person that tries to talk all of his buddies into living there again after freshman year. Tell you what Jethro, you hang around here and drink quietly so the RA doesn’t hear. Having your own apartment to party in isn’t that fun anyway.


Richy Bitch
Commonly Heard Quote: “I hate my daddy! I told him I needed a new car, and he was all like, “Your BMW isn’t even a year old yet, wait until your birthday!”. I mean, like, Oh My God! Can you believe how selfish he is!?”
Characteristics: Easiest way to find these girls is to start talking about taxes or the upper class, and then just sit back and watch their heads spin around. Just the other day I passed along a quote from George Carlin concerning the way to differentiate between the social classes in America to my anthropology class, and one blew her top. I said “The upper class has all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class does all of the work, pays all of the taxes. And the lower class... well they’re just there to scare the hell out of the middle class, and keep them showing up at those jobs they love so much.”. The third Hilton sister that sits on the other side of the room didn’t like that too much, so she decided to reply (and I quote) “Um, excuse me. My daddy is a doctor, and my mommy is a counselor, and like, they pay a LOT of taxes. So that dumb-s**t boy with earrings doesn’t know what he’s talking about!”. Thanks for proving my point bitch. Now here’s a quarter, go call daddy and ask him why the f**k he didn’t make you ride a short bus to school.


Lives Alone Bitter f**k
Commonly Heard Quote: “You know what pisses me off?”
Characteristics: Well, this is me. These are the guys that live alone, and therefore have a lot of free time during the week after class with which to sit and contemplate the things that really piss them off and don’t make sense. Then they write about it and put it on the internet like someone actually gives a s**t about what they like and don’t like. Guess you think these people should keep their two cents in their pocket huh? Well, speaking on behalf of them... if you don’t like us, you’re probably the person were writing and laughing about. Have a nice day.


Pretentious Art f**k
Commonly Heard Quote: “I can’t believe that people like this song. I mean, not only is it in 4/4 timing, but the 16th notes are sooooooo off time at the end of bridge.”
Characteristics: These are the people that not only love music, but they study it. Which is fine... until you decide to try and talk music with them. They start spouting out the names of s**tty progressive metal bands that I wouldn’t make my deaf dog listen to, and telling you how much of an idiot you are when it comes to the music you like. Chill the f**k out baby-Bach, you listen to your instrumentals from Latvia, and I’ll listen to some Hed PE.


Tech Support Nerds
Commonly Heard Quote: “OMFG, I pwned some noobs the other day on CS! LoLz! Lets go to circuit city and see if the new motherboards are in!”
Characteristics: Now don’t get me wrong, I like computers and the internet as much as anyone else. And I really respect people that are exceptionally good at programming and handling all of the issues computers can create. Thing is, the people that eventually grow up to be successful I.T. executives and computer moguls sure are f**king nerds in college. These are the kids that you see sitting in the computer labs on campus... every single f**king time you go in. Then when they leave the lab, they go home, and work on their computer. Then they get bored, so they go out to a bar to talk to their buddies about computers. Then they go to the library to read about computers... then they go home and search for computer parts on the internet... then they... you get the idea. Fellas, there was plenty of time to be losers in high school, go find a Dorm Whore and have some fun!


Small Town Loner
Commonly Heard Quote: “I’d like this city if it weren’t for the people.”
Characteristics: This is the kind of person that came from a small town where they knew everyone, and everyone knew them. I call it the Cheers syndrome. These people move to college, and no longer does Everybody Know Your Name, so they just have a tough time dealing with such a large population of people, let alone people their own age. Make some friends or pay for them (Fraternity/Sorority) before you climb a clock tower buddy.


The Overachiever
Commonly Heard Quote: “Naw, I can’t go to (insert activity involving half naked members of the opposite sex and egregious amounts of alcohol) tonight, I’ve got a term paper to write for next week. “
Characteristics: You know, I can’t help but envy these people sometimes. If ONLY I had that kind of discipline. They’re the kind of people that start and finish research papers the day they are assigned, and then double and triple check their sources until the due date. Sure, they’re going to be get some fancy sashes to drape on their gown when they graduate, but personally... you can write a research paper anytime. Naked-whip-cream-wrestling night only happens so often man!


The "Dude, I drank so much..." Guy
Commonly Heard Quote: Figure this one out on your own genius.
Characteristics: Quite possibly the most annoying person on any campus. You know the type, completely idiotic and insecure alpha-male-wannabe that keeps track of how many times he vomits better than most people keep track of their kids’ birthdays. You ALWAYS hear this f**k talking about how much he drank, and how much money he wasted shoving powdered chemicals up his nose. Buddy, if you want to drink yourself into the grave, that’s fine with me. Just don’t f**king tell me about it. Talk to God about it, he loves everyone. The rest of us hate you.


The "I’ve never partied" People
Commonly Heard Quote: “Oh my god, I can’t wait to party Monday!.... and Tuesday!.... and Wednes....”
Characteristics: These people are usually the “Dude, I drank so much...” guys too. These are the people from strict households that frankly can’t handle the freedom that college presents. They never got to party before, so they party ALL THE TIME now, and then regale us with their tales of drunken debauchery. The people aren’t too shabby to have around if you’re looking to get laid, but other than that, they turn a good party into a night of babysitting.


Joe Football
Commonly Heard Quote: “LETS GO (Insert school mascot here)S!”
Characteristics: These people usually aren’t too annoying, and they’re fun as hell to have around on game day. They are a plethora of knowledge when it comes to statistics, but don’t waste your breathe debating them when it comes to their team, it’s a bigger waste of time than watching “The Simple Life”. No wait, I lied. Nothing is THAT big of a waste of time.


Former Jock
Commonly Heard Quote: “Dude, I remember back when I played football...”
Characteristics: Classic case of going from hero to zero messing with someone’s head. You know this guy, still wears his highschool football/basketball t-shirts and also seems to steer the conversation towards stories that happened when he was a senior in highschool. Its sad really, they try and strut around like cock of the walk, but in reality everyone knows that they can’t deal with no one caring who they are anymore. Buddy, get a new hat, put on some new clothes, and talk about something other than how cool you thought you were in highschool, and maybe... just MAYBE... we’ll start to give a s**t.


Ex Prom-Queens
Commonly Heard Quote: “I hate all the girls at this school, they’re all such sluts!”
Characteristics: This is the female version of the Former Jock, except they’re much more annoying, and a HELL of a lot more pathetic. These are the girls that were the brightest and best looking in highschool, and desired by every man they met. Then they get to college... and reality sets in. They realize they aren’t the sexiest or the smartest anymore, and that they’re going to have to show a little personality to get a guy’s interest and make friends. Sadly, instead of showing some personality, they just show more skin. They wear stiletto heels to class and clothing that covers less than your average bikini. Hell, I can’t complain about the eye candy... but then they open their mouth (no, not in the way we all wish they did). They badmouth every girl they know, call them sluts and whores (both of which are Woman-Speak for “She’s Prettier Than Me”), and generally complain about anything that keeps them from being the center of attention. Hunny, put on some clothes and have some self respect. Trust me, make yourself halfway interesting and you’ll have plenty of opportunities to take those clothes back off at night.


Frat Dorks
Commonly Heard Quote: “Party at (Insert Frat Name Here) this Friday night!”
Characteristics: Im going to sum this up as best I can: Fraternities are a way for antisocial people to pay to have friends, which is sad. Fraternities are composed of nothing but “Dude, I drank so much...” guys and Junior VPs. Never join a fraternity, I know I won’t. You know why? Im not in one, but I party at the frat houses and drink my fill of free beer anyways, so why in the hell would I ever want to pay $1000 in frat dues a year to do the same thing I can do for free?


Sorority Whores
Commonly Heard Quote: Just think of a cheer your highschool cheerleading squad did, and then substitute a Greek name for your school mascot.
Characteristics: Exactly the same as the Frat Dorks. Sororities are full of Ex Prom Queens and Richy Bitches... occasionally you can meet a nice attractive girl in a sorority, which is too bad, because I would rather feed my nuts into a wood-chipper than put up with the other members of a sorority just to be with the chick. Oh, and lets not forget, its not a sorority unless they’re out on the lawn in the morning and evening practicing their sisterhood cheers! I don’t know how the people that live near the sorority houses can deal with it. I’d invest in a good paintball gun and see how many of them I could paint the school’s colors.


Angsty f**ks
Commonly Heard Quote: “Life is pain and anguish, I’ve just learned to embrace the darkness and accept that life sucks.” *Cell Phone Rings* “Oh hey!! What are you up too!!!”
Characteristics: These are the kids that wore a lot of black in highschool, and never quite moved on from the whole Preps vs. Freaks thing. Generally, these people are just full of s**t and looking for a way to be different. You can catch them once in a while being perky and happy (like when they answer a cell phone), and when you do, I encourage you, call them on their s**t. It’s the only way they’ll learn.


Fat Bitch In Sweat Pants
Commonly Heard Quote: “I just CAN’T be here everyday, and the professor needs to understand that! My job at the dildo factory is just TOO demanding!”
Characteristics: Alright, every class you ever have will have at least one of these women. They wear nothing but sweat pants, sneakers, and a mickey mouse t-shirt that is too small for them, and they complain CONSTANTLY. Well, to complain, first they have to stop shoveling food into their mouths, because they always eat during class. Ask them why, go on, I dare you. Just be ready to listen to her cry around about how hard it is for her to work and go to school full time. Guess what Grimmus, you aren’t the first, and you won’t be the last. So take the Happy Meal box that you stuff your 3 Big Macs into to keep from looking fat outside, no one enjoys watching a cow chew it’s cud.


In Da' Club Bitches
Commonly Heard Quote: “Yea, so like, me and my boyfriend were in da’ club right? And like...”
Characteristics: First off, these girls are usually a mix of Richy Bitches and Ex Prom Queens, and truthfully, they usually have some of the nicest bodies on campus. BUT... they’re about as deep as a conversation between Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton. The smartest and most intriguing women they ain’t. And more often than not, they like to complain, and the only place whiny bitches belong is singing pop music. These are the girls that wear high-heels and miniskirts to walk around campus all day. Why? Suppose if they cant be in da’ club, they at least wanna look like they are. Treat them like you would a volcano eruption... enjoy the view, but from a nice, safe distance.


Internet Whores
Commonly Heard Quote: *hugz*
Characteristics: This could be anyone, male or female, and you would never know it. Could be your girlfriend, your best friend... hell, even your professor. These are the people that live perfectly normal lives during the day, but are cyber prostitutes by night. Women use hours upon hours of hot cyber f**king to fill the void (that’s a double pun damn it, you better laugh) that they’re lack of sex leaves, and men do it... well... because they’re men. Watch out for these folk.

Holier Than Thou's
Commonly Heard Quote: “And the Lord said...”
Characteristics: You know, there is nothing wrong with religion and spirituality. It’s a good thing to have something you believe in. But religion is like oral sex; no matter how hard you try, you can’t force it on someone without them getting pissy. That’s something the Holier Than Thou’s never learned. Apparently, God spoke to them while they were in the bible book store last Friday night and mandated that they let the rest of us know we’re going to Hell and exactly how we’re getting there. Ignore them, and they usually leave you alone. But if you want to make their head explode, ask them if they knew Jesus was in Hell between the time of his death and his resurrection. He was (and not for punishment), but most Christians don’t know it, and will completely blow their top when you tell them that. Now that’s entertainment.

Junior VP's
Commonly Heard Quote: “You will notice on my resume’ that I have taken part in many...”
Characteristics: All business, no time for fun. These people are the leaders of basically every club and bulls**t organization on campus, and they make sure everyone knows it. Since they are business majors planning on being businessmen, they are inherently full of s**t. Oh well, use them to brush up on the way to talk to used car salesmen. That’s what most of them are going to end up being anyways.


Health Nuts
Commonly Heard Quote: “I’ll have the ultra-light salad with fat-free dressing, Atkins safe croutons, and distilled water please... to go.”
Characteristics: You know, I can’t understand how counting carbs and running your ass off everyday of your life just to add a couple of years to your life is worth it. These are the people you see power-walking to classes with their adorable little water bottles in hand. You know, they bust they’re ass every day of their life running and walking/jogging with every free moment... for what? Just so they can live to be 90 instead of 80. Those are the s**tty years anyways, get out and have some fun while you can still walk... parties aren’t that fun from the seat of a Rascal.


The "Im Still Young" Bitches
Commonly Heard Quote: “Like, oh my God! We like, TOTALLY have to hang out! I can’t Friday night because my daughter has a dance recital, but like, I am totally free Satur... wait! Where you going?”
Characteristics: You know these people. The 30+ year old women that wear spaghetti strap shirts and miniskirts? Sure, some of them might be hot, but there’s nothing quite as unattractive as someone acting 10 years younger than they are, no matter what their age. Hey Stella, go get your groove back somewhere else. Im looking for young tail, not old and wrinkly tail.


The “I wish I were Japanese” Dorks
Commonly Heard Quote: “Akira is without a doubt the single greatest work humans have ever produced.”
Characteristics: These are the fat f**ks with greasy hair wearing the pastel colored “Hello Kitty” t-shirt. And if you thought that’s bad enough, just talk to them. According to the Gospel of Saint Akira, everything that originates in the western hemisphere is pretentious and s**tty. Well I’ll tell you what Sum-Yung-Gay, you go jack off to cartoons and leave me to my own devices... or just move to Japan, where you will lumber around like Godzilla amongst its much smaller population.


Bling-Blings
Commonly Heard Quote: “THEY SPINNIN’ MAIN! THEY SPINNIN’!!”
Characteristics: Alright, hip-hop culture is alright in my book. It is a HELL of a lot better than the sad Emo culture in that members of the hip-hop culture at least follow through and accomplish s**t, and better than the Dirty Punk culture in that its members do outlandish things like... shave and wash their clothes. Now if they could just pull their heads out of their asses and realize that just because something is shiny and spins in circles, that doesn’t make it cool or attractive. The Bling-Blings are the people you see with spinners on their car... a spinner necklace... a spinner watch... and Cubic Zirconias in their ears. Oh, and lets not forget, the single greatest example that humans are getting dumber as a species... shoes... with spinners... in them.


Pathetic Emo Losers
Commonly Heard Quote: Lyrics from s**tty emo songs.
Characteristics: Although I must admit that this type of people are in relative short supply at WVU, I know from experience that they dominate most campuses. These are the guys that buy out the Good-Will every week and dress like a mix between coal miners and truck drivers from the early 1980's. And you know what, im fine with that. The way a person dresses has little or no baring on what kind of character they possess. What I do have a problem with is the incessant complaining and crying around that these people do. I mean... have you ever listened to emo music? It comprised of pathetic people singing about things they want to do or wish they did... instead of getting out and doing them. Sorry guys, but self pity has never held my attention too long.


Dirty Punks
Commonly Heard Quote: Take your pick from an number of Ramones lyrics.
Characteristics: Since emo music (in its current form) is a genre that has only grown and taken a foothold in the music industry over the last five years, the Pathetic Emo Losers are an offshoot of the Dirty Punks. They tend to dress a bit more grungy than the Emo Losers, but you can look for them to share same just-got-in-off-the-road truck driver look. While these guys are pretty down to Earth in general, there is no way to be around a group of more than two of them without wearing a chemical weapons grade gasmask. Guys, I understand that you express yourself by dressing and acting differently than most of the mainstream public... but can you at least shave and bathe? I mean... its not like your french.

Toys R Us Kids
Commonly Heard Quote: “Dude, I just got the new Sharper Image catalogue in!”
Characteristics: These guys are sometimes mistaken for robots when they walk down the street. Dozens of wires run from their backpacks to their pants pockets, and they give off more radiation than Chernobyl. They’re the ones with a set of headphones in their ears, an additional set around their neck, and use more gadgets than James Bond. Ipods... PDAs... you name it, these guys have it all. I honestly believe it’s the goal of these people to eventually reduce reality down to a headset they can wear and communicate through.


“You Gotta Watch The Quiet Ones” People
Commonly Heard Quote: “...”
Characteristics: It is my experience that the quiet kids that never seem to talk to anyone are usually some of the most intriguing people you will ever meet, if you just take the time to get them to open up...BUT... they can also be some of the scariest. You just never know what they’re capable of! Ever seen a repressed kid flip out on someone? I have... and the next day a prosecuting attorney served me with a court summons.


The PDA Couple
Commonly Heard Quote: Various kissing and fondling sounds
Characteristics: No, not Personal Digital Assistant Couple (that’s two Toys R Us Kids that hooked up). This is the Public Display of Affection couple. You know the scene, you’re just hanging around, waiting on a bus or something, with a couple that’s holding hands in your line of sight. They give each other a little peck... then a little tongue... and before you know it they’re fondling each other’s crotch. If I want to see free soft-core porn, Ill watch Cinemax. Until then, spare the rest of us and go find a janitor’s closet to spill your fluids in.


Cutsey Cunts
Commonly Heard Quote: “Ohmigod Ohmigod Ohmigod! Its SOOOOO cute!!”
Characteristics: Carebear shirts and Spongebob Squarepants accessories rule the day when it comes to these girls. If you visit their dorm/apartment, be prepared to be caught amidst a sea of pink and lavender. You know, a cutesy kind of girl can be sexy... but not when she dresses the same way most of the grade school kids I see downtown do. Take the LIKE JAILBAIT?: 2004 test to see if these teenie-bopper girls are for you.


“Nekkid and proud of it!” Folks
Commonly Heard Quote: (After this person has been talking to you for about twenty minutes) “Well, let me get out of this towel and into some clothes, and we’ll head out”
Characteristics: Though found mainly in dormitories, you see them sitting out on their porch in some apartment complexes as well. These are the people (mostly guys, but occasionally some women) that sit around in a towel... if you’re lucky. I’ve occasionally seen these people just sitting with a wash towel over their crotch. I mean... yea. Everyone has their own little system for trying to get laid, but sitting around and letting your pecker shrink every time the breeze blows isn’t my idea of the best way to impress a woman. Oh, and ladies... keep up the good work. It works for you.


Best Friend That Never Gets Laid
Commonly Heard Quote: “Dude, this chick is so into me. She was crying on my shoulder last night after we talked about how bad her boyfriend treated her!”
Characteristics: Same as the “Nekkid and proud of it!” Folk, I can understand that everyone has their own little system for trying to get laid. But trust me Dr. Phil, this one doesn’t work. Becoming a chick’s best friend is the most effective way in the world to make sure the only time you see her even remotely naked is while you’re helping her try on clothes at the mall. If you haven’t learned by now, women like jerks. Sure, being just friendly enough can work too, but this best friend bulls**t ain’t happening buddy.


Miss Spirit
Commonly Heard Quote: “LETS GO (Insert school mascot here)S!”
Characteristics: More or less the female equivalent to Joe Football, except this chick goes nuts about every sport. You know this girl, gets up at 6am on game days to make sure she has everything color coordinated, then applies the fake tattoo’s and face paint. Ah well, don’t worry hun. I didn’t get to be a cheerleader either.


The “Proud of it” Bitch
Commonly Heard Quote: “Im not a bitch! I just speak my mind!”
Characteristics: Everyone knows at least one person like this. You know the type, rude cunt gets snappy about everything, and when you finally call her on her bulls**t, she replies “If Im a bitch, then Im a bitch! I just speak my mind!”. No, if you’re a bitch, then you’re a bitch.... PERIOD. And most of the time these women are bitching about how bad men are and how we need more equality. Well, if a man mouthed off at me the same way you do, I’d hit him in the face. Still think the world needs more equality? Didn’t think so.

Naughty Barbie

Barbie has a rival, a sexy dominatrix. However, Matell didn't really find it funny see link for story on the artist.
Dominatrix Barbie
I think that this is great barbie is a slut anyway right? Someone just made the outfit.

Price-cicles What

I had a customer call today looking for a quote she stated that she need a Price-cicle (you know like icicle). I could barely contain myself. It was kind of like when the cable guy came to hook up the cable and we asked him if he liked his job and he said it is alot better than being in a pubical all day. I think he meant cubical but who knows. I love little slips like that. Does anyone else have anything good?

Longer Needles for Bigger Butts

Fatter rear ends are causing many drug injections to miss their mark, requiring longer needles to reach buttock muscle, researchers said on Monday.

Standard-sized needles failed to reach the buttock muscle in 23 out of 25 women whose rears were examined after what was supposed to be an intramuscular injection of a drug.

Two-thirds of the 50 patients in the study did not receive the full dosage of the drug, which instead lodged in the fat tissue of their buttocks, researchers from The Adelaide and Meath Hospital in Dublin said in a presentation to the annual meeting of the Radiological Society of North America.

Ok this is all too sad but what about all the super skinny people do they have shorter needle for them? Also, why do they inject in your but anyway, isn't there an alternative body part.

I can't believe that this doesn't happen more often

Warren Woodrow Bennett Jr. and his wife Carol Ann got a divorce. But he ended up with her breasts, so she sued to get them back. Implants, that is, that she’d had removed earlier because she thought they hurt her health. “Divorce granted to wife; breast[s] to be returned to wife,” the judge ruled. (AP) ...But your honor: they were the only parts of her that I liked!

I saw this and got a total kick out of it. I am shocked that it doesn't come up more often.

My Nipple can beat up your Nipple

NEW YORK -- You've had your breasts enhanced and now you have that Jayne Mansfield look. But something's still missing. Your nipples just don't have that perk.

Enter one of the fastest growing cosmetic surgeries in the United States... nipple enlargement. New York-based nipple surgeon Bruce Nadler performs the procedure on half a dozen people a year and says most do it because they want the "teasing look " of an erect nipple all the time.

Still others - mostly men - are nipple fetishists who want their nipples to be the biggest, most desirable nipples possible. The "super-sizing" is done with injections of collagen or cartilage taken from the patient's ear. Dr. Nadler says another popular procedure is nipple reduction surgery, which is done mostly by women who are self conscious about looking nipply in cold weather.

Yeah this is all fine and dandy but hopefully the surgery doesn't make the nipple as sensitive as a cold erect nipple. You could just use the removable nipples like in Sex in the City. Also, no more padded bras they would hide all this hard work.

This Just In

Children are wonderful little creatures, but unfortunately some people have defective plumbing that precludes procreation. Well thanks to a new device from London-based medgadget firm Genosis, men can now avoid an embarassing trip to the fertility doctor and perform a sperm count in the security of their own home. Known as the "Fertell" and developed in collaboration with the University of Birmingham, this device uses a barrier that acts as a synthetic cervix, measuring the number of active sperm that break on through to the other side. Users simply provide the Fertell with a semen sample (in a manner not fit for mention on our family-friendly site) which is then processed with a claimed 95% accuracy. Couples looking to get their rugrat-on will be able to purchase this kit starting this month in U.K. Boots locations.

This is just about as funny as it comes (no pun intended) Yet another lovely invention from men for men. I think that the least a man can do in this situation is act like a man and go to the doctor and spank it. I wish they would come up with this stuff for women but no we gotta go in and get poked and proded. This is a pretty cool idea and an easy way to rule out the man as fertile before us women need to go in and get examed.

So men have fun at home with fertility testing.

Talk About a Crappy Holiday

FUNABASHI, Chiba -- Human feces have been found in two mailboxes, staining more than 140 New Year cards, police said.
A woman found a mailbox stained in Funabashi at about 5:40 a.m. on Thursday and alerted the Funabashi-Higashi Police Station.
Officers then discovered that human excrement had been placed in the mailbox and another one some 800 meters away. They are investigating the case.
A total of 147 New Year cards inside the two letter boxes had been stained with feces, police said.
Funabashi-Higashi Post Office plans to return the cards to the senders after cleaning them and will also give the senders fresh New Year cards and towels as an apology. (Mainichi)

Although, this is one of the funniest things I have ever heard I would hate to be the person who had to clean it up or better yet the person who they returned the cards too. Plus no one will believe you when you say I sent you a New Years card but someone shit on them.

Oh so Gross

I just got done reading this article http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060104/people_nm/lohan_dc_3 and think that it is pathetic how many stars are trying to be thinner because it makes the rest of society think they are too fat. Also, don't you have liver issues if you use too many drugs? I didn't think that that was a symptom of belimia. Yeah and don't these stars ever look at themselves in the magazines or on tv because I am sorry but Lindsey Lohan was cute when she was heavier and I was happy that teenagers had a healthy looking role model. But no she needed to be like the rest of the women in Hollywood big heads on a teeny tiny body.

OPERATOR IS THAT YOU

Ok, you all know what it is like to be put through a voice mail system at some company and trying to find someone real to talk to right? Well, today I made a call to one of our vendors and was put on hold to wait for next customer representative. When she finally answered the phone I swear it was just the voicemail lady. It was the strangest thing she sounded fake it actually took me a minute to spit out why I had called and I also waited to see exactly how this machine was going to answer my request. When she answered me I finally realized yes this is a real live woman who can actually get me what I want. But then she did send me away to another person who I knew was a real person from the begining. All so very strange.

Talk about Skeletons in your Closet for Real

A workman made a gruesome discovery as he was cleaning a basement fire pit in a Spring Grove, Minnesota house - a human skull.

The skull was discovered Friday while Carlyn and Joycelyn Rostad were having masonry repairs done on their fireplace. The worker found the skull in the pit where fireplace ashes drop into the basement, Carlyn Rostad said.

A preliminary autopsy indicated the remains were from a white man who was at least 30 years old. Police said the bones are thought to have been at the site since before 1967.

A more complete autopsy will take at least two weeks, said Dr. Lindsey Thomas of the Minnesota Regional Coroner's Office in Hastings.

Carlyn Rostad said parts of the skull appeared to be missing, including the top of the forehead and some sections in the back and right temple.

Police officer Linda Coffield said the remains could not be linked to any cold cases.

"We are not aware of any open cases or missing persons at this time," she said.

The Rostads have used the fireplace only rarely in the 38 years they have lived in the home, and it wasn't opened up until 1977, Carlyn Rostad said. When they bought the home in 1967, the fireplace was closed off as a closet, he said.

Previous residents said the fireplace had been closed off when they lived there as well, he said.


(Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)